Healing

Being back in a place that brought be so much growth and healing a few weekends ago was a very eye opening experience for me. I realized how much of myself, and my dreams I have hid, or put aside for another time, for later, for the sake of others. Whether it be a job, a friendship or relationship, I can see the pattern in my life where I continuously put others wants, needs, and even welfare above my own. It feels good to take care of. It feels good to give. But over time that giving and loving slowly turns to resentment as I realize what I missed out on. What I gave up. And I don’t regret any of my actions, the giving. I have no one to blame but myself for missed opportunities and selling myself short. I am however, realizing more and more the importance of taking care of me first. I can care for others and equally care for me. Same way that I can find peace and solace meandering sweaty up a mountain, and equally find the same feeling of peace and belonging singing along live to my favorite artists surrounded by strangers.

I’ve spent so much of my life trying to not be seen, while inwardly screaming that someone would see me. But not the physical me per se; the interior, the soul, the what makes me tick, what makes me smile, what makes me sad. I am slowly learning it is okay to take up space. And, it is safe to do so. I have a small, weird, select set of gifts and talents I have to offer to those that I meet, and I need to be more open and trust that in standing in my most authentic self, the right people and situations will find me.