California

Being back in California the past 9 months has been interesting to say the least. It is always such a different experience to come back here to live for short periods of time, as opposed to visiting, obviously. I came back to California from Montana in late spring of last year, to help my then boyfriends family. It is always such an overwhelming flood of emotions, every time I come “home” for a visit. I drive by old schools, the park where I smoked my first cigarette, I drive by my first job where I ended up buying my first horse. This barn & job became a safe haven for me, during my parents divorce, and allowed my 12 and 13 year old self an excuse to avoid all the girly things girls my age were getting into that I just didn’t understand and want to be a part of. I avoided a road for years a dear friend was killed in a car accident. I drive by a beautiful piece of property that used to belong to my grandparents. (See R & E Ranch blog post). I drive by places I almost died, my parents house I moved out of, I fell in adult/real love, had my heart broke, I got a job that soon became full time and then was my career for almost 10 years.

Now, I realize, that not everyone moves around as repeatedly as I have seemed to, and many people don’t leave or move too far from where it was they were raised. I believe that my heightened awareness at my nostalgic, sad, and happy emotions are based off of the fact that I do not see these places on a daily basis to slowly be untriggered or unresponsive to them.

2022 was a struggle. Life did not go as planned or hoped in so many ways during the time I spent in Montana. Turns out, the harder I fought to salvage a relationship, the worse it got.  You can’t continuously try and stuff a round peg into a square hole and expect it to one day just miraculously fit. The harsh reality is love is never enough. Period. End of story. Love is, a starting point, an open conversation to what could be, it is compromise without losing yourself completely to another. Love makes a relationship work because you can talk open and honestly, you take turns helping and/or supporting the other financially, emotionally, and physically.

I chose to finally walk away from an almost 11-year relationship that no longer felt safe, fulfilling, nurturing, and aligned. I do not make decisions like this lightly. If you read my 2023 blog blurp you know that I am aiming to focus more on the good in situations, relationships, jobs, etc. I have a hard time letting people go from my life. I care deeply, and to an un-healthy point in some ways hang on too long and too hard to the memories and the what ifs, even when deep down I know the relationship isn’t serving me well anymore. I need to learn to not expel energy into people and places that are not reciprocating that energy.

None of this I share looking for pity, or even words of comfort at this point. Writing has always been an outlet for my emotions as well as helping me to process. In my life, I have found a great deal of comfort, belonging, and solace in the written words of others; written, spoken, and song. My hope, with all of my random wanderings and ramblings, is that something I do or say will resonate with you, and at the very least bring a smile to your face. If you pick up a hobby you have always wanted to try, or channel your inner badass, or if you are in an unhealthy or toxic relationship, I pray you find the strength to reach out for help and support. Life is hard, no matter what. However, it doesn’t always have to be hard and miserable. We have the power to change, to move, to grow, to get rid of the things/people/places/things that no longer serve us and bring us happiness.

I’d love to hear something hard you’ve done that you are proud of! Did you learn how to make a new meal you were intimidated to try? Did you push yourself to try a new hobby? A new type of workout? Or drive a different route to work? Which doesn’t sound like much, but if you are a creature of habit, comfort, and consistency this can be a huge routine change. Leave me a comment, and let me know! And, if you need a safe space to talk to, I’m here for you too, please, send me a message. Life is hard, and we shouldn’t have to struggle it alone; take comfort in knowing you are not alone, ever.